I've been officially thrust into the twilight zone.  Every step I have taken, thought I have had or move I have made, I have had a freakish sense of heightened awareness of everything around me.  Part of me has wanted to hide under the blankets for the whole day.  The other part of me feels at peace and happy.  All of the weirdness that surrounds every situation I have encountered during this past year is finally sinking in.  I'm in the freakin' twilight zone I just know I am!

After losing my job, i've been forced to face myself.  If you've ever had to face yourself, then you know just how hard that can be.  The issue here is that I realize what happened and where I went wrong, but in my heart and mind I can't seem to feel bad.  I feel …. numb and fearful.  I don't want to be who I was 2 weeks ago.  Hell, I don't want to be who I was 1 year ago.  I want to be better, but i'm not sure what better is.

My kids love and adore me.  They love having me home with them and I love being home with them.  On the other hand, I feel like i'm breaking a law or doing something I shouldn't be doing.  It's like when I would play hooky from school as a kid.  I had no real reason to want to stay home.  I didn't even go out and drink or party.  I just stayed home because I enjoyed my peace and quiet and felt like I needed it.  It was wrong, I do concede to that, but I did it anyway.  It sort of feels like i'm doing just that right now.  I'm playing hooky from work but instead of only doing it for a day, i'm doing it for an indefinite amount of time or TBD (to be determined).  

Am I supposed to be a stay at home mom or am I just convincing myself that it's what I should be?  I am feeling as though I haven't quite let my breath out since being fired.  I feel like i'm still holding it in waiting for someone to tell me that it's okay to breathe even if just this once.

There are two things I know at this point:  1)  I love being home with my kids and for the first time in our marriage, I actually feel as though I am taking good care of my husband.  He comes home to a clean house, dinner made and plenty of clean underwear.  2)  I don't want to be a secretary anymore.  Every cell in my body screams that loud and clear.  I have nothing but a bitter taste in my mouth from both experiences and I just don't want the same thing to happen again.  Hence, I feel i'm not meant to be in this field.  Maybe it's the fear talking, but right now, fear has the loudest, clearest voice in my head.

It is a strange feeling to look around you and see the world moving in slow motion.  It's like being stoned only nothing is funny or even half-heartedly amusing.  It is my own laid back version of being in limbo.  If you've ever been in limbo in your life, then you know what I mean.  You sit, waiting for something to happen.  It's like sitting on a rock by the road day in and day out waiting for the school bus.  I'm waiting for a sign.  So far, I haven't found one.

For now, i'm trying to breathe and enjoy being home with my children.  I'm afraid that i'll never want to leave them with a daycare person again.  I'm afraid that i'll always want to stay home and write and do the things I feel i'm good at.  I'm afraid that my husband will start to resent me because i've left the money-earning on his shoulders.  What if he resents me for this?  That's the last thing I need.