Being heavy is a burden for me.  I hate it.  It is all I can think about and think about it I do, on a daily basis.  Not a moment goes by where I don't pass by a reflection of myself and mentally tear down, pound by pound, fat roll by fat roll, and double chin by double chin.  I would love to get to a point in my life where I feel *good* about being this size.  I remember when I was 50 pounds lighter and how excruciating I found that to be.  What I wouldn't give to be that size now.   As it currently stands, I literally can't shop in normal stores. I am officially confined to the corner of buying online.  I cringe at the thought of shopping with friends or family because, let's face it, I watch them shop.

To say that I have been trying to diet and to no avail have not lost any unwanted poundage, would be an outright lie.  I start diets and stop diets almost every single day.  I self-diagnosed myself with compulsive overeating when I was 14 years old.  I saw a commercial on television that described some of the symptoms I had.  Eating in secrecy, enjoying food more when eating alone, lying to myself and others about what I eat, and feeling ashamed but unable to STOP.

Psychological cycles and patterns are a bitch to change.  I firmly believe that it has nothing to do with will-power.  It has more to do with taking an active role in changing the patterns that you set forth for yourself.  It has to do with understanding the emotional triggers that put your body into starvation mode and also eliminating processed sugar and artificial sugar in your diet.

I have never been a 'fat positive' sort of person, at least, not in relation to myself.   On the other hand, I do feel that many people fail to understand the depth of having an eating disorder such as compulsive overeating.  I think they feel that fat people are lazy.  End of story.  If only it were that easy.

When I eat, I rarely eat when I am hungry.  I feel programmed to eat.  I love food (don't get me wrong), but for me it goes so far beyond that.  If I have a bad day, I turn to food.  Not that food envelopes me like a comfy blanket, but instead my mind is triggered to use food as a way to think about something other than the bad incident for the day.  Because I like food, I can concentrate on that instead and in a weird sense, it makes me feel better.  Now, after I have eaten the food, I begin to feel worthless and shameful.  Suddenly, the problem that I had earlier multiplies tenfold because now I am feeling worthless on top of everything else.  Again, I eat.  It is a never ending uphill battle of emotion and food.  If I could just not think or feel for a day, I think I might be able to make it through without gorging myself.

Then of course, when I do lose weight, how will I feel?  How will the new me fit into the old life? 

It isn't impossible, but it does take work and an active changing of patterns.  The past 4 years of my life has been a challenging series of ups and downs and I haven't dealt with those ups and downs as I should have.  Now, I am paying the price tenfold and ended up in a hole that I don't know how to get out of.