This week left me in a very reflective state of mind.  Sometimes it is hard to tell whether i'm coming or going. My husband has been worried that i'm going through some sort of depression.  I prefer to be holed up in the house all day long with the kids and very rarely do I venture out.  It is strange but I almost feel afraid of the outside.  I feel like I am retracting into myself.  Instead of getting better as I thought I would, I am slowly but surely getting worse.  One thing I know to be true is that no one can help me with this issue.  It is something inside of me that I need to work on.  The fear of going outside, losing weight, having to get another job, etc. has left me rooted to the spot.

I love being a stay at home mom.  However, I didn't have the luxury of quitting my job because I KNEW that I could be a stay at home mom.  I was handed my walking papers.  Rightly so.  I haven't been myself since miss S was born.  I don't know if it is hormones or all the weight I have gained, but something is up.  I haven't even had my monthly cycle for almost 9 months now.  

Some of these thoughts float in and out of my brain hourly.  Lately, there never seems to be a time when my mind is quiet.   Of course, with losing my job, comes a whole other set of worries.  My husband is wonderful.  But, he doesn't want to get a better job to support our family.  He is quite comfortable where he is.  I have explained to him that I cannot handle being a full time everything (mom,wife, college student, employee, etc).  He gets that to a degree but now has begun to wonder when i'm going back to work.

I felt really positive at first.  I went to the gym a few times, tried to eat right, etc.  But then, something happened.  I think my husband mentioned that I might have to get a job and my body and mind went in shut down mode.  I haven't seen the inside of the gym for WEEKS.  Money going down the drain I tell ya.

I don't know how "ready" I am to talk about all of this.  I feel a  little numb.  I pray that I can figure myself out before I drive us to the poor house.

Those are my rambling thoughts for Friday…