Many new moms ask themselves the question of whether they want to work or to stay at home.

The most important factor in all of this is deciding what will work best for you and your family.  This is not a decision that has a definitive answer each time.  Every family, every mom has a unique situation at home and at work.

Speaking for myself, I had initially chosen to go back to work.  My husband and I simply could not afford to have me stay at home.

As time went on, and I added another child to the mix, I found that I had a hard time leaving my heart at home while I went to work.  I really missed my children and felt that I wanted to stay at home.  It was hard trying to balance a job and as well as being a mom, wife and college student.

I got stressed out and frustrated many times.  During that year, my children got sick quite often.  The daycare wouldn’t take them when they were sick, so I had to stay home and of course miss work.  My job unfortunately was not the kind that one could take home.

I was often accused of playing the *kid card*, even though that couldn’t have been further from the truth.  I was an hourly employee, so any time that I missed at work made my paychecks smaller.  So during those times, my husband and I struggled to make ends meet.

My reasoning for staying there was because they had a decent life insurance rate and we needed two incomes at the time. If I hadn’t needed the income or the insurance, I would have quit a short time into the job.

I ended up losing my job because I missed too many days.  I have always said that family comes first.  I was not surprised when I was fired.  The company I worked for was not very family-friendly.

After that, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant for a third time.  It was then that I decided to stay at home.  Having to pay for daycare for three children all under the age of 4, was super expensive.  And, I felt “once-bit-twice-shy” with the job situation that had just ended.

Thankfully, I had found a passion in web development and switched my major early on in my degree.

Now, I am a stay at home mom and I own my own business all while going to school.  It is a tall order.  Some days, I wish there were two of me.  However, for the most part I enjoy staying at home with the kids.  The downside is that it can be a little isolating at times (because they are so young).

I believe that my children benefit from having me home, but I also firmly believe that they benefited from daycare as well.

One of the stressors new moms have to deal with is listening to other moms who feel very strongly about staying home or feel very strongly about going to work.  There is a lot of mommy hate and judgment to go around.

My advice to new moms is to make the decision that works best for YOU.  Even if you choose to work full time, you are still the parent to your child and no daycare provider or babysitter will ever replace your role as the parent.  And remember, your paycheck all goes into the pot that helps to support the family!

If you find that you want to stay at home but need to make money while doing it; do your research.  There are many legit work-from-home opportunities that you can partake in.  However, you have to do your research.  Because for as many legit opportunities there are out there, there are an equal number of frauds.  A good rule of thumb:  If you have to pay-to-play then it’s probably a fraud.

In conclusion, whether you decide to stay at home with your child or work out of the home, the decision is yours to make.  Just know that whatever route you take, you are doing the best you can for your family.  And please never doubt that.

2009 has marked the beginning of an interesting journey for me.  This has been a re-birth…. or rediscovery I suppose of the woman I am now, as opposed to the girl I was then.

Self discovery is an enlightening, freeing and scary thing.  Sometimes, the more you discover, the less you wish you would have.

I suppose it’s a little like having an addiction and then entering into drug rehab.  Once you get out, you live life cleaner, and your eyes are more open.  In fact, changing your life is kind of like drug rehab in a way because you are changing old habits that were harmful and opting for habits that are better suited to where you want to be.

I have a few New Years resolutions…. but the one thing I resolve to do is to be so very thankful for my wonderful family every day.

Today marked my 29th birthday.  When you think about it, 29 is such an odd year.  Kind of like being 20 or 22.  It’s on the cusp of the big 3-0.

Many of my friends and family members wished me happy birthday.  I feel more blessed to have all of these amazing people in my life.  What a good feeling it is to be loved!

So I am vowing to make this 29th year in my life a good one.  I will laugh a ton and love often.  I will live life to the fullest and try to be thankful everyday for what has been given to me in this life.

Have a wonderful night everyone!

Tonight, my husband and I had a big decision to make.  Nothing life or death, but something significant enough to warrant us being one another’s champ.  In my time of need, he was my champ and psyched me up.  Then it was his turn.  And I was his champ.

One of the most important aspects of marriage (for me), is the ability to connect with your partner on a level that says you are his and he is yours.  The aspect that says even though you may fight, you fight for the same things or at least the significance of the same things.

It is always refreshing to me how good it feels to work as a “team” in my marriage.  We have our moments where we aren’t teamly… but I couldn’t imagine life without my other half… nor would I want to.

What a day.

It’s been hard for me to write lately. It is not that my life is uninteresting. Things happen. I just don’t seem to have the energy to write them down. There is so much going on and everything feels to sensitive and too personal to spill all over the place. There are things I don’t want to jinx and to share them would give me the very real possibility of jinxing.

I’m in a good place right now. I have figured out a few things and feel as though i’m on the cusp of the next chapter in my life.

I don’t know how all of you other mommy bloggers do it! How do you come up with endless ideas and quirky posts? I feel like my well of inspiration (especially in the mommy area of life as i’ve always been sort of uncomfortable discussing that aspect of my life) is sort of drying up.

Anyway, happy Sunday to all!

The only child that got up with me this morning was my daughter.  I put Sesame Street on for her and enjoyed the peace and quiet.  Things get so hectic here sometimes that I really relish those quiet moments.  It’s hard to imagine life ever being quiet again.  Though I know when that moment comes it will sneak up on me and I will long for the chaos again.

Yesterday was a wonderfully beautiful day. The vibrant sunlight shone down on us all and we were awash with bright attitudes and gifted with more energy. Or at least, I was. Today however, a different kind of day. The sky was gray and overcast and it rained on and off. Not to mention it was cooold. The kind of cold that reaches to your bones (I had always thought that was a myth… guess not).

I moseyed over to the store today to grab some weekly essentials. I heard a few people remark that we “needed the rain”. I could not attest to that even in my mind, but still… the dreary day had me down. Things were quiet on the compound. However, the kids are still reeling from being pent up over the winter. Miss Princess was most upset because she could not go out and ride her new bike. Owiebear felt the same as… “mom! I’m bored!” slipped out of his mouth more than once.

So we got the rain and despite the dreariness of the day and the introspective nature of my personality today, I feel very thankful.

You know, not a day goes by that I don’t hear some awful thing on the news or shake my head at something I heard on NPR. Bad stuff seems to be happening all over the place and it’s enough to make an eternal optimist eternally sad. I don’t know what else to say other than that it seems as though the world has gone to hell in a handbasket and it doesn’t seem like things will be looking sunnier anytime soon.

I’ve been mulling over obtaining a couple of term life insurance policies for husb and I. Just in case something happens to us, then the kids will be taken care of. It’s the scariest thought in a parent’s mind… to leave untimely when your children are so young. But it’s necessary to be as prepared as possible. Even though, no one can ever truly be prepared. So, i’ve been going over some term life insurance rates and once i’ve picked my top 3 carriers, I will consult with husb (he hates having to do detective work.).

Coming back to being thankful…

In the long run, I am thankful for my problems. Not that I love my problems but the grass is rarely greener on the other side. Like when my daughter wants food off of my plate because well… french fries taste better on someone else’s plate, right? But still, it’s the same taste, the same worries and the same feelings just on a different plate.

Deep thoughts for a Sunday.

The big story on MSN right now is in regards to J-Lo’s apparent fixation with wigs. It has been reported by an insider that she has a whole room filled with them in Carmel and that the room is locked. Not even latin crooner hubby Marc Anthony can enter.

You know… call me crazy but… somehow I just don’t care about this tidbit of information. I know… right?

It never occurred to me the extent that we are fixated on celebrities until I read that article. How many of us care that J-Lo has a wig fetish…?

Still, we read these articles in hopes of finding some normalcy with which to connect celebrities. We want to know that they are “just like us”. But really… they aren’t. Because how many of us can afford a wig fetish? Not many… and in that way there are almost two planets. Planet celebrity and planet reality.

I always find it laughable when celebrities comment on politics. Not that they aren’t entitled to their opinion. I mean… aren’t we all? But still… they cannot even fathom the struggles that the common person deals with and in the same breath, we can’t even begin to understand their lives. So when they give their vote for president or try to input their own thoughts on our political system, it always seems laden with popularity undertones instead of intelligent and original thought.

It is in that way, that I am actually offended when I see drivel on Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, John Mayer or any of the other Hollywood stars starving for attention and a cheeseburger.

So why do we care about them? Why do we want to know that they lost 15 pounds on a liquid diet consisting of water, pepper and lemon? Why do we crave to know that they have married, divorced, became pregnant, adopted from Africa or caught strung out on a drug binge?

Simply… because focusing on celebrities and their version of reality is much easier than focusing on our own lives and on our own problems. It is not that we want to be celebrities ourselves (although some people are always looking for 15 minutes of fame and then some), it is that we need an escape from reality.

What better escape than to focus on the train wreck that is Hollywood?

So much has happened to me this year. We’re not even halfway through and already I feel as though i’m ready for the New Year.

I’m still reeling in the shock of the loss of my grandma. Husb, the kids and I are going to visit my aunt up north for Easter. We’re looking forward to the trip so as to be able to keep her company for the holiday, but the emptiness of my grandma will envelope me like a cold uncomfortable blanket.

I think back to eight years prior when I lost my grandpa to cancer. He was diagnosed with lung cancer but I still wonder if he had something like Mesothelioma. He worked around asbestos for many years before they knew it was truly harmful.

When he was given three months to live, we were in shock but we all knew what was coming. In retrospect I don’t think anyone is ever truly prepared to lose someone they love. For me, these were two relationships that I had for all of my childhood and into my 20s. To lose these relationships have been rather hard on me. Especially since my grandparents gave me so much personally (meaning non-materialistic).

In a way, I turned over a new leaf after the loss of my grandma. She was a fighter and one to get things done. I have followed in her footsteps. I am now a resident pit bull with a soft side.

When you were young, what did you dream of becoming?  How open did the world appear and how willing were you to accept what life had to offer?  Being young for me seems like a lifetime ago.  Now, things are serious and I have to be the adult.  Always the adult.  The problem with this is that I have always been the adult.  Even when I was younger I felt like a 30-year old in a 12 year old’s body.  Such is a curse of being a wise person?  Or rather is it a curse of having too much responsibility too soon?  What does it even mean to be a kid?  For the life of me I remember feeling carefree… but not necessarily burden-free.  If you know what I mean.

Anyway, I have what I always wanted, a husband and children.  Now, this secondary dream of having a career is starting to emerge and it’s a little scary. I was never one to dream of owning a few coffee franchises or inventing something new. I always wanted a family and for me, that was enough. But now, I find that I need something a little more. Something to make me feel as though I am contributing to the household (even though being a stay-at-home mom and college student feels like a ton of things at once).

So all of this leaves me with one question….

Even though you can never reclaim your youth… can you reclaim your dreams?

Relationships are not easy.  In fact, finding a good relationship when you are single can be down right hard.  Holding on to a good relationship after you are married can be even harder.  Sometimes to see if we are compatible with someone we’ll do almost anything for that information.  Even if that means spending a mountain of time taking relationship quizzes or finding a pyschic to fortell our future with potential mr. or mrs. right.

I think I figured something out in my five years of marriage and that is, while I have had a few love relationships in my single woman years, the one I am in right now… is a good relationship.  It is a relationship that I truly want to work at to be in for the rest of my life.

Husb and I fight like any married couple.  The hardest part of being married is figuring out how to live with our quirks and how to adjust to each other.  We are currently entering into a stage where we realize that we have different values on some things.  At the moment we are trying to figure out if we should hold tight to those values or compromise.  Does compromise automatically equal losing?  What do you think?

My grandmother always said that the happiest times she had with grandpa were the last 20 years of their marriage.  Because the fighting and the figuring out how to live together had already passed.  They had already lived most of their adult life with one another… so in retrospect there was no adjustment for the last 20 years.  The only way they would have had to adjust is if they got separated or divorced.  Know what I mean?

So I look on this first 5 years with my husband with happy memories and no regrets.  It’s not perfect… but nothing ever is.  Still… it’s my version of utopia.  My only hope for the future is that we continue to love one another and communicate to work through any rough patches we may have.  And of course realize that it is all worth it.

My brother Matt just got married!  I couldn’t be more excited for him.  His wife is such a doll and honestly, I couldn’t have hand-picked a better sister-in-law.

It’s a funny thing when new people come into your life and bring an unexpected breath of fresh air.  That is what my new sister-in-law is like… a breath of fresh air.  I am so excited that i’m not the only married one of the bunch.  I hope to get news someday soon that they are starting their own little family.

While I am still reeling from the death of my grandma, the end of this week brings me slightly out of my fog.  I will miss her desperately and I love her dearly but I know that she would not want me to wallow.  She would want me to be strong.  So that’s what I have intended on.

The kids are doing well and are finally getting over their colds.  Brodykins has the sprout of his first two teeth coming in at the bottom (which I discovered this evening when I let him gnaw on my fingers)!  Poor husb is coming down with the cold the kids just got over.  Tomorrow is a break from school for Owie so it will be nice to have him home all day (feels like forever since he’s been home all day on a Monday).

I am almost finished with my new blog design and will upload it sometime this week.

I am coming back slowly…

How was your week?

Tomorrow will mark one week since my grandma died. We haven’t been home for long but I feel so deeply sad. I feel lost. What was my routine before all of this happened? How do I reclaim ground?

My family is extremely close. Each grandparent, aunt, uncle and cousin are all apart of the bigger picture for us. Each and every one of us are apart of one-another’s foundation and structure. When one is hurt or breaks off (i.e. passes on), we all shudder a bit. We crumble… just a bit.

My grandma was one spunky lady. She was a rock, a go-getter and an independent woman for her time (heck… even by today’s standard she’s more independent than most). I aspired to be like her. I aspired to have a tenth of her strength and ability to motivate.

I think of all of the things she wanted to do but never got the chance to. She always wanted to travel to places like Hawaii, Las Vegas (she loved casinos) and New York City (and of course stay in a New York City hotel ). She envisioned herself doing so much but never got the chance due to her failing health.

My mind tells me that I should just bounce back. My heart can’t. Not right now at least. I know that she is in a better place. I know that she is at peace and happy because she is with grandpa. I know this and yet… the selfish part of me really wants her here with us.

God I miss her.

I realize that funerals are not pleasant and that not many people enjoy them (or anyone really). However, I absolutely hate them. My emotions at a funeral are out there on a platter… so raw for all to see. I don’t like naked emotion within myself. I feel … vulnerable.

My grandma’s viewing is tomorrow. Tomorrow and Monday will be tough days for me. Because tomorrow means that there is a finality to all of this. It means that I can’t remain in my fantasy that my grandma is actually just visiting a friend or out shopping for a few days. Somehow, I keep thinking that she’ll walk through the door and smile at all of us, give us more words of wisdom or surreptitiously fart and then giggle about it (she did that sometimes… by accident of course).

There are so many things I miss already and yet, when she was alive I took these things for granted. She was such a fighter that I thought for sure she had at least 20 more years left of fight in her. But she missed my grandpa. I don’t think that she realized how much she would miss him until he was gone. Then when he passed she felt angry and lonely and missed him so damn much it hurt her. She was never the same after he passed.

She tried to prepare us all for this day. I know that now. For the past year I would often hear her say that she was ready to die. She was ready for the Lord to take her anytime. She might have been ready for this, but we sure as hell weren’t.

She wanted to be with my grandpa. I believe he took her home.

Tomorrow and Monday are going to be hard to get through.

I hate funerals.

When I was in high school I used to dream of being a star player on the basketball team even though I was not the most athletic person.  I guess it was something I would think about as a way to reach outside of myself and try to encourage something new.

However, it wasn’t meant to be. I didn’t win any basketball trophies while in high school but I was fantastic at drama and even had a spot on the school yearbook committee (oh and did I mention choir? I was the all around drama nerd).

Still, I wonder what it would have been like to play basketball in high school. Would things be different today if I had?

Are there any activities you wish you would have pursued in high school?

I watched an interesting show on the History channel last night. It is currently countdown to Armageddon week so all of the shows shown at night will reflect that topic.

Last night they had a special on the predictions of Nostradamus and impending global change that will happen on winter solstice (December 21) of the year 2012. It was interesting to hear about the different Quatrains (I believe that is what he calls his prophecies) and get perspectives from different experts on the interpretation of his drawings and predictions.

I also did not realize the different secret societies that existed back then (and still exist today). The two that come to mind are the freemasons and the alchemists.

So much information about the effect mankind has on planet earth and how the alignment of the stars and the wear and tear on earth will encompass some pretty cataclysmic events. From what I understand, one of the predictions is that the poles (north and south pole) will flip and that will in turn cause environmental upheaval (deadly storms, floods, fires, earthquakes, volcanic activity and things of that nature).

The Mayan calendar also runs its course in the year 2012. Experts however, are not sure if that means that a new cycle will begin on earth or 2012 is THE end.

Interesting stuff I tell ya! Of course these theories contain a lot of complex figures and notions. At one point, I think my head was spinning.

With all of that said… what do YOU think of the 2012 predictions?

Have you ever read through your previous posts on your blog (or journal) and revel in how much things have changed from then till now?  I can’t believe that I started this blog in 2006.  Now almost three years later, I am still here, still experiencing and still writing about it.

Some posts made me laugh.  While others made me reflect.  Still others made me wonder…”why the heck did I say that outloud?”

In almost three years I have faithfully followed these blogs:

Adventures in Stepford

Self-Proclaimed Supermom

Girls Gone Child

Mom-101

The Grim Reality

Her Bad Mother

These ladies inspired me to continue to write.  I remember that Rhonda’s blog (Self-Proclaimed Supermom) was the first blog I had ever encountered.  I went through her posts one by one and soon found myself caught up in her story.

These blogs made me laugh, cry, sympathize, and think.  I just wanted to give a quick shout out to them.  The ladies who inspired me to blog.  It’s a precious thing this notion of writing your thoughts out and having other people read them.  It was intimidating at first as I journeyed to find my writing voice.  Now though… there is more of a thirst to say what is on my mind and to read what others have to say.

The world is a big place indeed but I found that in the end we all have something to say.  In that way, it makes us kindred spirits.

So here I am sitting on my couch, sick as a dog and blogging my heart out.  Why is it sickness or boredom seems to bring out the talky in us all?

I have been rather introspective lately.  I haven’t felt much like hanging with people or talking to anyone… it’s my MO sometimes.  I withdraw inside when I need to.  At first I thought it was weird.  So many people around me seem to be social butterflies and thrive on interaction.  Me… eh… not so much.  I like people… don’t get me wrong.  But sometimes… people wear me out.  I have a tendency to take too much into myself.

Now though, I recognize that this is part of who I am and there’s comfort in my ways.  Temporary alone-ness  is where I find my peace of mind and of course, where I mull over life’s little idiosyncrasies.  I have yet to come up with a solution for world peace or to end hunger (still working on that)… but in regards to my own life… i’ve come up with a lot.

I have spent this past year doing a few things for the last time (or for what I hope will be the last time).  I had my last pregnancy and my last job as a secretary.

Then there were some firsts…  I started a web hosting / web design company, became a stay-at-home mom, and sent my oldest off to preschool.

The path that I am on now is not the path I started down originally oh-so-long ago.  So many things changed along the way.  I changed.  Evolving is usually a good thing… but sometimes it is a sad thing too.  You begin to recognize what works, what makes you happy and feel fulfilled and what doesn’t work and doesn’t make you feel happy.  The things that don’t make you feel fulfilled get left behind and there’s a certain air of sadness in that because there was a need at the time and there’s comfort in that need.  Now that the need has changed, the comfort is gone.

There was a post I made recently about being productive in life.  That’s what happened to me this year.  I decided I wanted to be productive, happy and motivated to change my life and help change the lives of others.

The whole idea of changing your life and becoming someone you want to be or meant to be is so empowering.  Why just exist?  A good friend taught me that to just “exist” is a waste of time and energy that could be used for good things.  So that’s where I am at.

In the end, my goal is to be able to successfully take care of my family and to be the best person I can be.  Life is way too short not to take a chance on yourself and make stuff happen, you know?  Plus, why battle with your conscience when you don’t have to?  I think it takes more effort to be a crappy person than to be a good one.  But maybe that’s just me… *shrugs*

So what was your year like?

I just read the most inspiring post of a lifetime and something I personally have been asking myself as of late.  The post is basically about being productive in the world and spreading positive energy and DOING something to contribute to the good rather than actively seeking out hate and negativity.

The blog:  Okay. Fine. Dammit.

In this post entitled, “What are you contributing with all that hate?”, the blogger acknowledges the difference of being a productive member of a community and one who finds time to do all of the ridiculing.  One of my favorite quotes from this article:

“Whether you are writing dirty campaign ads or forwarding hateful emails, whether you are commenting anonymously on blogs or creating entire websites designed to attack other bloggers, whether you are secretly reading other people’s words only to dissect and ridicule them, I want you to ask yourself — what are you contributing? What have you got to show for yourself? Where are your gifts to the world? Where are your words that others will be inspired to quote? What will your obituary say?”

Dang.  I just want to shout it to the roof tops!  I want to spin this into a song, a mantra if you will.  It is so easy to criticize and to take and take and take, but what do you have in the end of it all?  Nothing but bad feelings and sadness.  Is it really so hard to say something nice?  Or rather, what makes it easy to say bad things?

Life is short.  So short in fact, that to waste one more minute on sadness, one more minute on a depressive state of hate is too much time spent badly.

The message here is to find your happy.  Be happy.  Be you.

I FINALLY have a C-section date!  Woot!  Monday, June 30th!  How cool is that?  The fact that reality inches closer and baby Brody’s arrival within a week makes me extremely ecstatic!  I feel like i’m floating on cloud 9!

My week has been rather good.  We didn’t do a whole heck of a lot other than more baby prep, finishing up my final project for school (which I got an A on!) and spending as much snuggle time/ 1 on 1 as I can with the kids!

On Saturday, my amazing friends threw me the best darn babyshower ever!  Seriously… when one of the prizes is an aqua bra and the other is a squishy bag of fun that looks like a penis, and you laugh so hard that you cry… you know it’s a good one!  Thanks guys!  I love you all so much!  I had a rockin’ good time!  Jodi, I think we’ll need to wear our bras at the next porch party!

Today was both good and not-so-good.  It was relaxing to say the least. I sorted through baby clothes and tomorrow will wash and put them away.  Things seem to be going together nicely so far (with the preparation) and that’s awesome!  It was a little dreary and cooler today so we (husb and I) decided it would be nice to take a family nap!  We all took a 3 hour nap and felt refreshed afterward!

Husb and I are talking about experiencing some Chicago travel later on this summer. I want to visit IKEA and take the kids to the museum of science!

And finally…

This evening, I logged onto myspace and got a message from one of my best friends from high school.  She has recently been diagnosed with bone cancer and has a 40% survival rate according to her doctor.  She has 2 small children at home (ages 4 and 1).  She is not a religious person persay, but is asking for a lot of prayers.  So please, if you read this… pray for her.  She is a good person and deserves to see her children grow up!