I missed “Marriage Monday” I think.  Or at least, i’m gearing up for the new Marriage Monday which will be hosted by Chrysalis on January 7, 2008.  I must say that I am excited to know that new life will be put forth into this meme in the new year!  I have always found this one to be theraputic and good for the soul to boot!

In the coming year, my two goals to continue to nurture my marriage:

1.  Respect my husband even if I don’t agree with him.

This is huge for me.  Sometimes, I have a habit of overstepping my boundaries with him.  He might lay down a rule for the kids and if I don’t agree I immediately pipe up my disagreeance.  Not only does that make us look like two rowers in the same boat paddling in a different direction, it is also disrespectful to his authority when it comes to our children.  He is a very good father and even though I am the main care-taker of our children, I need to respect that he also needs to have a say in their raising.  I can’t do it without him.

2.  Try to take care of his needs.

I do a pretty good job of taking care of my husband’s needs.  Or at least I did before we had two kids.  Now that there is one more child on the way, I worry that his needs will end up being pushed into the background (as so many husband’s needs are).  Now that I am not working full time, I can dedicate my time to my children and to him.   Making sure that everyone is well taken care of.  I must remember while I am nurturing our children that I must nurture him as well.  We mothers prepare from the day our children are born their imminent independence and d-day (the day they leave the nest to fly on their own).  We must remember that our husbands are with us for life.

This week on Marriage Monday, Christine over at Fruit In Season, has posed the question of mentoring in marriage.  I will also discuss last week's topic on remembering why/how you fell in love with your spouse to begin with.

First, this week's topic:

When my husband and I got engaged and met with our Pastor (Pastor Kurt — greatest Pastor EVAH!), he urged us to sign up with a couple for marriage mentoring.  It was not really a requirement of us before we got married, but he strongly suggested and so we agreed.  

He paired us up with Dane and Mary.  Dane and Mary had been married for a long time and had two children.  The first child, they adopted after a long and painful fertility experience.  Their second child, was conceived naturally and without even trying!  Mary had thought that she couldn't conceive a child and so it was a wonderful surprise for them both.  My husband and I met with them for dinner.  The four of us were very nervous upon meeting, but then, once we all started to open up, it became a wonderful experience!

Dane and Mary told us about the difficult time they went through when they were trying to conceive the first time.  So many emotions and frustrations hit their marriage, but they turned to God in their times of trouble.  They told us that their devout faith and communication with eachother saved them from going down the path of divorce.

They told Dave and I that being married would be one of the hardest, most rewarding journeys we could take together and that in time, it gets easier.

We only met up with this mentor couple once, and unfortunately (due mostly to the fact that they are 4 hours away from us) we haven't seen them since the dinner meeting 4 years ago.

I don't feel that I am or that Dave and I are in a place to be marriage mentors.  We love eachother and we have a strong relationship, but with the new addition to the family, we've had some rough patches.  Mainly, we're trying to find our place as a couple again.  It's not always easy as we both have trying schedules.  I do think that we could benefit from a marriage mentor program, but we're not members of a church and I don't think that my husband would go for it at this point in time.

Now, on to the second topic — looking back at our relationship

I fell in love with Dave on our 3rd date.  It was the date where we kissed for real.  I can't explain the other kisses, only to say that they were nice, passionate, but also kind of rushed and I had to slow it down before it turned into a one night stand.

Our first *real* kiss, was slow and kissing him, felt like I had come home for the first time.  In that one kiss, I saw the rest of my life.  It scared the bee-jeebies out of me because I had been hurt before, and he was still smarting from his divorce that had taken place 2 years prior.

As I got to know Dave, I noticed that he was (and still is) a very honorable guy.  He didn't always have the right thing to say, but he always treated me with respect and did little things like open doors, gave me his jacket when I was cold, and he is a very affectionate person.  

My favorite thing about him then (and now) is that he opened his heart up to me.  He gave me affection, attention and emotion.  Everything I had been lacking in my previous relationships.  I fell hard for him but not in that lusty-infatuation-way, but more of a realistic way.  I wanted to take care of him and to be taken care of.

He completed me then, and completes me now more than I could have ever imagined.  I'm just so lucky that God brought him into my life and that he is the father of my children.

What I love about him now, is that he is a fantastic dad and he loves me.  He does what he can to make me happy and happy he makes me!

This week's Marriage Monday topic hosted by Christine over at Fruit in Season is all about where we see or hope to see our marriage in the future.

To my present self:

You my dear, have a lot to learn when it comes to being a good wife.  You become oversensitive at the slightest potential insult, you forget to laugh often and you allow yourself to get overwhelmed at the day-to-day mundane happenings rather than greet each day as if it were brand new.

You love your husband and you cherish him more than he knows.  This you know.  He knows that you love him and take care of him.  He appreciates you more than you know and acknowledge. 

Advice:

Always tell him how wonderful he is, even when you yourself are not feeling so wonderful.

Always take care of him and make him a priority in your life.

Do things for him that you know he enjoys:

•      Make his favorite dinner 
•      Give him a back scratch
•      Hug him and hold him (but not to the point of overbearing)
•      Tell him that you appreciate him
•      Give him the 30 minutes of quiet time he so craves after work.

To my future self:

Good job in being a good wife.  You have kept your promises to your husband and to yourself.  You have taken care of him, loved him and made him a top priority in your life.  Because of your hardwork, you and your husband have a bond that no man can break and that God has blessed because you have loved your husband in Christ.  

For your hardwork and great efforts, you have had a marriage with challenge and a few tough times, but with every challenge you've faced, your marriage has only gotten better.  You have grown as people.

Because you chose to treat your husband with such love and respect, he has returned the same feelings toward you.  You are happy.  You are truly happy.

 This is my fourth week of participating in Marriage Monday.  (Yay me!)

This week, Christine posted a meaningful quote about the promises we make before God and before our spouse to love, honor, cherish, and respect through thick or thin, rich or poor as long as we both live.

I must say, I felt the Lord talking to me this week through Christine and the other ladies who partake in this challenge.

D said something very hurtful to me last Friday.  I felt hurt, devastated and the trust that I had given him with my heart had faltered.  It was probably the first time in our 5 years together, that I felt our relationship crack just a little.

When you promise yourself to your spouse, it’s supposed to be (at least in my opinion) a spiritual awakening that signals you to care about someone else’s needs, wants, desires, much deeper than you would your own.

D and I have had our ups and downs.  More ups than downs, I am proud to say, but last Friday things turned downward in a not-so-good way.  I’m not going to go into what was said (just because some things should remain private) but it was enough to take a big helping of self-esteem away from me during a time when I don’t have much to spare.

My reaction to his barb was immediate hurt.  I asked a question and got a brutally honest answer.  A question to which, even if it had been asked to me, I couldn’t and wouldn’t say to him what he said to me.

What I like about the traditional vows… and I say traditional because today it seems people get their priests, clergymen, JOPs to say anything.  In short, some couples opt to stay together until they don’t like eachother anymore.  Anyway… coming back to the subject at hand, I like traditional vows because of a certain promise they make to both husband and wife.  It is the acknowledgement that there WILL without a doubt be hard times ahead.  It is a promise that there will be fights, arguments, disagreements, disrespectful moments, sad moments along with all of the happiness, joy and fulfillment that also comes with being married.

Let’s face it.  Marriage is tough.  Anyone who thinks otherwise has either:  A) Not been married long or B) By some twist of fate has a relatively uncomplicated life.  Either way, it is what it is and we all need to come to grips with that.

After many tears and thinking about the situation to exhaustion, I’ve come up with my own conclusion.  My D is not perfect, just as I am not perfect.  He told me what was the truth in his heart at that moment and though the words hurt, he is still sticking by me through thick and thin, for richer or poorer, until death do us part.  He, in his own way, was trying to help me.  He thought his words would serve for motivation and conviction instead of the tears of devastation I served up.

My goals for the coming week are to understand the depth of our vows and to act on them, to forgive D for what he said and bury it never to be brought up in a future fight, and to continue to turn the other cheek and show him much love, respect and appreciation for all that he has brought to my life.

 Marriage Monday:  Edition 4 

This week’s Marriage Monday is being hosted by Lynn at Unequal Marriage.  If you haven’t read her blog, you should check it out!  She is incredibly insightful and wise!

This week’s topic is about every Christian woman’s call to excellence where her relationship with her husband is concerned.  I’m going to use a quote from Lynn’s entry because I found it to be spot on with the heart of this week’s topic.

“God has called every Christian wife to His excellence! Any flower can bloom when it is tended by God’s hand. A wife’s responsibility is to learn to put her confidence in the faithfulness of God and His word—to do what He says. She can become what He wants her to become if she does what He wants her to do. There is no other way.”–Martha Peace

As a faithful Christian wife, I know that I do try to improve my relationship with my husband and my relationship with God on a daily basis.  The quote by Martha Peace makes so much sense to me, which is why I decided to include it as well on my blog.  We must love our spouse as God loves us.  We cannot begin to truly love our spouse until we understand what God wants.

Another book I adore (this is of the non-Christian genre…. But talks about marriage and spirituality) is The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  I am not a huge Dr. Laura fan (Go Dr. Phil!).  However, her books (at least this one) make sense.  In her book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Dr. Laura gives insight into what women do wrong with their men.  For one, she states that every woman should know “what kind of animal she has brought home”.  In simpler terms:  know and understand your husband.

Sometimes, I think we women have a tendency to wish our husbands would act a certain way, when in fact, they never have. 

A good example:

My brother (who is currently living with D and I), made a good analytical remark about where he sees me going wrong in handling D. 

M:

You know, you really give D a hard time sometimes.

Me:

Well, sometimes I don’t think he loves me!  He NEVER compliments me and he always says rude things!

M:

He does compliment you, you just don’t see it.  You dwell on the negative.

Me:

But, seriously, how else am I supposed to take it? 

M: 

K, he’s always been like that.  ALWAYS.

Me:

I guess

M:

He’s more like dad than you realize.  He’s not the romantic openly-affectionate guy.  He’s the guy that will fix your car to show you he loves you rather than buy you flowers.  That’s D, man.

Wow.  How could I have forgotten what kind of animal I had brought home?  How could I have down-played and pushed aside all of the wonderful things that D, does do for me?  Why do I always focus on the negative aspects?  He’ll say something rude and I latch onto the rude comment.  It overshadows anything good that he might say/do for the rest of the day.

I know that I need to trust that God will lead me to do right by my husband.  I’m not the awful wife I make myself out to be in my blog, but I have a very real view of my actions.  I’ve never been one to mince words.  I am what I am just as D is what he is.  I need to be more mindful of my words and actions.  I also need to realize that my issues are not always his issues and vice versa.  Sometimes, we take on one another’s emotions for the day.  It’s crazy and weird but it happens.  If he is depressed, then I get depressed and vice versa.

Going along with this week’s marriage theme, I am going to take the time to understand my husband this week and to listen to God’s message about where he wants to lead me as a wife.  I need to pray for excellence.