Strange… but ever since giving birth to Brodykins on Monday, I feel more and more like a woman today. Not sure if it makes sense, but i’m starting to gain my sex drive back (well… at least a little). I am actually looking forward to six weeks from now when husb and I can resume… well… you know.

I have started searching online for some plus size lingerie. I want to fully treat myself to some new clothes and new lingerie. Losing weight and getting healthy should be fun. No more punishing myself! I would like to feel good today, instead of waiting to feel good tomorrow. Does that make sense?

It’s been a long time (or so it seems) since I felt good about myself. I love the feeling!

Last night, I wrote a post that unleashed some of the frustration I feel towards my husband. In doing that, I realized that I have a hard time with motivation because he does not treat me the way I need and want to be treated. I don’t feel appreciated or loved or even respected some days. It seems he has an easier time making cracks at my expense than in encouraging me. Throughout all of this, I realize that because of his behavior I have adjusted my behavior as such that I do not treat him the way I used to. I quit making his lunches, stopped making sure the house was in pristine condition, even slacked on the laundry. Of course the other factor of this is that i’m pregnant and tired. But still… his love would give me the energy I needed to complete the tasks right? Wrong. As usual, the gals at Unequal Marriage have lit a fire in my heart.

This week, it was Amy who inspired me and showed me a different perspective to the problem I felt had been weighing on my shoulders. I would like to show you an excerpt from her entry and show you just how powerful it is:

I remember one time in particular my husband said something mean which went right to my heart. I couldn’t believe how he could have been so awful. I was just about to start on a pile of ironing, most of it was his work shirts and I said to myself “he can go do it all himself if he thinks he can speak to me that way.”

But I heard God gently saying to me “that’s not how I want my servant to behave, I want you to go ahead and do it anyway so that you will be heaping burning coals on his head”. God didn’t mean it in a nasty way; he was showing me to still “do good” towards my husband rather than having the same attitude. So…I carried on, pulled out the ironing board and iron. I set it up in my office, put on some praise n worship music and got through it all while venting my frustrations and tears on God.

Wow. I realize that like Amy, I had been doing what she had the courage not to do. Instead of ironing those shirts (or insert chore here), I had been refusing to do it like a stubborn child. Not realizing that God’s love for me and for my husband would carry us through this patch.

As I sit here at my computer in a most introspective moment, I realize that for the umpteenth time, I asked for help and God has shown me the way. I don’t think it was an accident that I decided to click on the Unequal Marriage link in my sidebar today. It was God speaking to me. How divine!

Once again, one of my favorite bloggers has managed to captivate and hold my attention.  Adventures in Stepford is a blog that recounts a woman's story of her husband's infidelity and the inevitable aftermath.  She comes to many conclusions about herself, her husband and the world around her.  Her posts are nothing short of a woman trying to heal in the best way she knows how.  In her most recent entry, she writes: 

He's really a good man, my husband. And I really want to be a good woman. In general, but especially in my home. I want to be well-matched with him. I want to be vulnerable with him, rest in him. I have likely never done that, at least not since we were very newly in love maybe. The undercurrent of Us is static and tension, as I manipulate all things in order to Keep Me Comfortable. I want victory where I've previously had nothing but defeat. But I want it on my own, not depending on him to validate me. And this is where it's so tricky. Where I fall down. 

Again, I am amazed at her complete honesty with herself about the situation she is in.  Never one to mince words, she says exactly what is on her mind.  She is extremely well-written but throws in a "y'all" every now and then to remind you that she is down-to-earth.  She is the kind of woman you could invite over for coffee and a girly gabfest and not worry that she'll care about the dirty dishes left in the sink.  She is genuine.  Her writing voice remains constant.

What I love most about her blog is that she writes in a way that makes it easy to relate.  We have all had troubled times in our marriages.  Times where we questioned every decision we made or word we said to our spouse.  Her insight causes me to think about the worth of my own life and my own marriage.  It brings me down to earth because I realize that in the blink of an eye it could all go sour and then by the grace of God and only through the grace of God, we can repair what we thought was irrepairible damage to our marriage-life.

I know that she writes not for attention but because it helps her heal.  If you haven't been blessed enough to read her blog, I recommend that you do.  She is well-worth your time.